Student Trauma, Divorce

The setting:

Beginning; best practices, in brief:

              In a situation where a teacher becomes aware that a student’s parents are in the midst of a breakup, it is important to maintain a semblance of regularity in the classroom as the rhythm of the school will be a valuable structural support in general for the student (Green, et al., Hollman, Mahony). As well, it will be valuable to let the student know that you are open to their sharing of feelings (Laletas, et al., Leon, Pedro-Carroll). It can be valuable to get information about the status of the divorce so that parental custody matters are understood for reasons that stretch to homework, lunch preparation, and many more logistical reasons beyond the emotional ramifications (Hollman, Laletas, et al.). Furthermore, regular communication with the parents and allowing the student to have access to councilors and 504-plan styled accommodation, if recommended, will lead to a stronger base of shared experience, so that a teacher can appropriately interact with all parties and so the student is able to share their emotions in healthful areas (Green, Laletas, et al., Mahony, Øverland, et al., Pedro-Carroll, Venet). These basic, foundational starting points are important to keep in mind when dealing with a student who is dealing with a divorce.

Now, for a structural-hypothetical:
Presented in the first person, as if written as a record of this student’s interactions with me.  

Following a fourth period Literature class one day (Friday, October 18, 2019) in which I’d laid out a long-term project based around a novel our class was going to read together, an 8^th grade student (student AC) came to me to tell me that his parents were getting a divorce. He said he wanted me to know because he wasn’t sure how well he’d be performing in my class considering the project I’d described. I shared that I would be open to flexibility and asked how he was feeling.¹ He said that he and his two siblings (an older sister and a younger brother) were going to be spending time at each parent’s home on a rotating basis of one week on and one week off, for each, trading on the weekends as his father was getting an apartment in town. He said that he wasn’t looking forward to any of it, except for not having to listen to the arguments that he’d had to witness his parents having before their split up. I told him that I could let him have an extra copy of the book so that he could have one at each parent’s house and let him know he was welcome to talk to me about any struggles that he might have and want to talk about, so that I could try to help where I could.² He thanked me and left towards the theater parking lot.

I conferred with the school counselor about their awareness and was told that she was, indeed, aware, as all three children were students in the school, and she was in touch with the parents about the situation.³ Already, there was a coordinated line of communication between the counseling center at the school and both parents so that everyone could stay in the loop on developments with their children, etc. The counselor told me that my student was already scheduled for regular visits in her office, and that we could stay in touch for any special needs he might have.

The information was welcomed, and I went away, reflecting on my own experience as a child. My parents had also split up, and I remembered how difficult it was to go through the whole experience. Knowing that the student was able to be in touch with both parents made me feel a little better than not, considering how some kids don’t get to see both parents after divorces sometimes. I walked back to my classroom to get my day sorted so I could go home. I found AC sitting on a chair in my classroom, silently moping. I greeted him so he knew I had entered the room. Deciding to wait for his thoughts, I didn’t inquire about what was on his mind, just if he was okay, figuring he would say when he was ready, anyway.⁴ He said he was okay, but remained silent. Perhaps he just needed a peaceful place to sit.

I quietly went about my paperwork for a while, when he stood up and walked over to me in a huff, “Why do people give up on people?” he asked me. Sitting with such a question caused me pause. Knowing my answer would be one he’d remember. I told him that I couldn’t speak to the situation of his parents since I didn’t know them as individuals, and hoped he would appreciate it if I related a bit of my own story to him instead of approaching his question.⁵ He sighed and said it was okay. He sat in the chair by my desk and I shared how I’d watched my parents split up when I was young and how it also caused me a lot of trouble at the time. I pointed out to him that I’m a normally happy person at this stage in my life and hoped the image would help put in perspective the long-term possibility of happiness for him, even though he and his parents were having a tough time right now. He looked at me sideways and asked how that was supposed to help. I shared that I wanted to offer an example of the possibility that ‘this too shall pass’.⁶ He said he didn’t know. I asked him if he had talked to other teachers about this. He said he hadn’t. I asked if he’d talked to his friends yet about it. He said he’d told one of his friends already (BG), but not the others. He wasn’t ready to talk about it yet. I thanked him for his willingness to talk to me about it and told him how brave it was to start talking about his struggles since other people can sometimes be helpful when we’re going through things.⁷ He shrugged, looking out the window at the sports field with a look that I couldn’t place. I let him stare for a while and then asked what he was thinking about. He said he didn’t know if he loved his parents anymore. I asked him why. He told me that since they’d given up on each other, that he figured he should give up on them too.

Knowing he’s just shared a feeling that was growing in the wrong direction, I asked him what it meant for a person to love someone. We talked for about half an hour before we got to a point where he was comfortable loving his parents even with them mad at each other. We discussed how they were in a new pattern of co-parenting that he was lucky to be a part of, and how he’d still have all their love, even if they didn’t feel the same about each other.⁸ His deeper feelings were a bit less painful, but it couldn’t fix what was already broken. At least he knew he could still have a meaningful relationship with them both.

He thanked me for the time and took his extra book and went to catch the bus. I didn’t see him in class for the whole next week. When I saw him in the next class (Monday, Oct 28), he looked disheveled. His homework wasn’t finished and he didn’t have his notebook for class. I gave him a piece of paper to work with and let him know I’d appreciate if he could wait after class was over to talk with me for a few minutes. (Our class is followed by a long break, so there was plenty of time that wouldn’t disturb another class.) I put him with his BG’s group so they could talk about the book together and he’d be more comfortable. After class, he didn’t stay.⁹ The next day, he showed up looking ready for class, notebook in hand and told me he’d read what he needed to. I told him that was good to know, and he sat with the same group. As the week continued, he seemed sad, but productive. I let him know that my door was always open, in case he wanted to talk, but he didn’t stop by. The next week was not the same. He missed school Monday and Tuesday, so I dropped in on the counselor who told me that the children’s father was not returning calls and they were waiting to hear back from other authorities (CPS). ¹⁰

Wednesday (Nov 6) morning’s email shared that he would be back in school and was to be given leeway for missing homework and other expectations for the time-being.¹¹ Come fourth period, there he was, looking sharply dressed, and ready to work. He’d done the reading and was prepared for class. It was a pleasant surprise, so we got to work as if it were any other day.¹² I put him with his best friends to discuss their recent chapter, and they were back in gear. After class, he stopped to let me know that he was sorry to have missed classes, but things were “complicated” as he put it, at home, but that he’d stay on with the classwork from now on. He said this while looking at the floor. That part struck me as odd. AC typically would look at me when he spoke to me. I told him that his participation would be welcome, but that I hope things are going okay. It wasn’t until the next week that I heard he’d been removed from his father’s house due to how his pop had gotten a place that was far too small for him and the three children and was apparently drinking heavily. The children were told to stay with their mother for the duration of the term. It wasn’t until about a month later that AC came back after class time to talk again.¹³

It was Tuesday, December 17^th, 2019, when AC came by my classroom after school. He wanted to ask about my family, my story. Knowing I needed to be helpful somehow, I shared a few details, but left out some of the more personal bits. He needed to have something to hold on to, but I didn’t yet know why. He then told me that his father was entering a rehabilitation center for the holidays and that this was going to be the first one he’d ever know where they wouldn’t all be together. I looked at him, knowing that it was likely going to get better in the long run, but also knowing that it hurt too bad to tell him that flat out. Sharing my thought that it was going to be a gift that his father spent that time getting himself straightened up over the holidays was how I related my feeling of the situation.¹⁴ I shared that I’d seen other people struggle with alcohol and just like with any other great challenge, it’s often helpful to get others to help when trying to achieve a great goal. He said he appreciated the idea but was still sad to not have his dad around. I reminded him that how I understood and then asked if he knew when his dad would be out of the hospital. He said he didn’t know, but it would be through the holidays, and he wasn’t sure what to do about it. Mentioning to him that his mom would need him more than ever, I asked him about any holiday plans. We talked for a while more before he took off and caught the bus. The next morning, I had an email from his mother, thanking me for the conversation that AC had related to her.¹⁵ She told me that AC’s father would be away for “some time” and that AC would be with her and the other kids in their house for at least the rest of the school year.

After the holidays, AC didn’t come back to school. The fact that he didn’t was a surprise to us all, and for a while there was real concern that something terrible had happened. His friends and those who were his teachers were worried about him until we heard the news. (And to be honest, we still are worried.) The school counselor finally reported that all three children had been withdrawn from school and that they had transferred across the state to the Franklin County school system. She said that the mother had rented out their house to a family with two children in early elementary over the break and had asked for all mail to be sent to an address in Greenville that she had supplied the school. Since AC has left, his friends certainly miss him. His friends, BG and others, often speak of how they would prefer to have him in class. His was the first divorce of the students in his grade, but since then, we have had two more families with notable struggles that have bled over into the classroom.

After that, we only saw AC and his siblings one more time that year when they came back during the springtime fundraising event (Mar 14, 2020). They seemed like they were getting along alright and were in good spirits. AC caught me for a chat while I was selling raffle tickets and let me know that his dad had also moved to Greenville, but his parents were still split up. He said they were getting along more easily and had started going to group therapy, and he felt better than he had before about how things were going.

After that weekend, the school went into online-only teaching due to Covid-19 and we started seeing all of the students less. Things have been different since then. This year (2020-2021 school year), we started doing full-time online teaching. Thankfully, now that we are all online with our studies, I’m told that AC is in touch with his old friends again and they are able to keep in touch through some video games they play together. 

This report is provided as a record of interactions with AC in relation to his emotional stamina and how I approached his situation for reflection in the future. I hope he’s doing well enough.

End.

Conclusion appendix

This situation is one that I chose because I can relate to it. My parents divorced when I was young, so I am familiar with the experience and bring that collection of memories with me when considering dealing with a student who is in the same situation. Because my experience was so long ago (in the early 1990’s, before the advent of broad-based SEL studies in public education), there were rather few memorable resources or interactions that came from the public schools I went to at the time. As such, I’m pleased to find, in my research for this task, such a variety of resources available for input around the matter of what a teacher can do in this situation.

Footnotes

¹ Being open to flexibility concerning assignments is important for students who are going through traumatic events. Also, being available for consultation is important so they feel heard and safe in their environment and emotions. (Hollman, Leon, Mahony, Monash)

² Having extra materials for the student is an accommodation that is easy to provide, if resources allow. (Mahony, Monash)

³ Making sure that the counseling center is in communication with the family leads to a scenario that is easier to navigate than not. (Green, Laletas, et al., Leon, Mahony, Øverland, et al., Pedro-Carroll, Venet)

⁴ Being patient with a student is important. Allowing a student space to simply be, without requirements is helpful so that student can have time to process their thoughts. (Leon, Mahony, Monash)

⁵ Through relating my own story, I let AC know he wasn’t alone in this journey. (Laletas, et al., Leon, Mahony, Pedro-Carroll, Venet)

⁶ It’s important that a student knows that there can be light at the end of the tunnel. (Mahony, Monash, Pedro-Carroll, Venet)

⁷ Acknowledging AC’s bravery for communicating with me let him know that he had been seen and heard in his moment of vulnerable sharing. (Mahony, Monash, Pedro-Carroll, Venet)

⁸ This lengthy discussion was necessary for his recalibration towards understanding that there are variations of relationships and everything doesn’t need to be black and white. (Mahony, Laletas, et al., Leon, Monash, Pedro-Carroll, Venet)

⁹ I felt the need to check in on his wellness, but didn’t want to be too pushy, knowing that it was outside my professional purview to do so. (Green. et al., Mahony, Monash, Øverland, et al., Pedro-Carroll)

¹⁰ Following up with the counselor about AC’s wellness was the way to go because it is her position to attend to such matters for the school.  (Green. et al., Laletas, et al., Mahony, Øverland, et al., Pedro-Carroll, Venet)

¹¹ With the counseling center organizing a path of action, we were able to coordinate our systems of care for AC and his siblings within the school. (Konen, Mahony, Øverland, et al., Pedro-Carroll, Venet)

¹² By providing a normalized situation for AC, I was able to help get his patterns of behavior realigned with previous ways, and with the rest of class. (Green, et al., Hollman, Mahony, Monash, Øverland, et al., Venet)

¹³ By staying in touch with the counseling center, I was able to know about AC’s current situation and talk to him with the knowledge that he didn’t have to bring up. We could simply talk about the day and ‘next-steps’. (Laletas, et al., Leon, Mahony, Pedro-Carroll)

¹⁴ By being available to AC in an authentic way for honest conversation, I was able to share my experienced, optimistic perspective with him. (Green. et al., Laletas, et al., Leon, Pedro-Carroll, Venet)

¹⁵ Making sure that AC’s mother was comfortable being in touch is a touchstone value, so that she knew she could reach out for whatever reason. (Hollman, Konen, Laletas, et al., Leon, Pedro-Carroll)

Citations:

Green, Katharine; McAllister, Melody; Metcalf, Shannon. Practical Recommendations and Interventions: Divorce. https://www.education.udel.edu/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/Divorce.pdf. University of Delaware, Education Department handout. Pub. Jan 2013. Accessed Oct 21, 2023.

Harrington, Shel. 17 Things Teachers Want Divorced Parents to Know. https://shelharrington.com/17-things-teachers-want-to-tell-divorced-parents/ Personal Law Blog. Accessed Oct 21, 2023.

Hollman, Laurie Ph.D., 7 Tips on How Teachers Can Help Kids with Divorcing Parents. https://www.huffpost.com/entry/7-tips-on-how-teachers-can-help-kids-with-divorcing_b_58a20c74e4b0e172783a9f33. HuffPost. Feb 13, 2017, Accessed Oct 21, 2023

Konen, Jon. 8 Teacher Tips When Dealing with Divorced Families. https://www.teacher.org/blog/8-teacher-tips-when-dealing-with-divorced-families/ Teacher.org Blog. Posted Sept 10, 2019. Accessed Oct 21. 2023.

Laletas, Stella; Khasin, Michelle. Teaching Children Caught in the Middle of Divorce. https://www.monash.edu/education/teachspace/articles/teaching-children-caught-in-the-middle-of-divorce. Monash University Education Department, guidance. Pub. Oct 2021. Accessed Oct 2023.

Leon, Kim; Spengler, Leanne. Helping Children Adjust to Divorce, a Guide for Teachers. https://extension.missouri.edu/publications/gh6611. University of Missouri, Extension. Nov 2005. Accessed Oct 21, 2023.

Mahony, Linda. How teachers can help support children during their parents’ divorce. Charles Sturt University, The Conversation, blog. https://theconversation.com/how-teachers-can-help-support-children-during-their-parents-divorce-102900. Pub. Sept 2018. Accessed Oct 21, 2023.

Øverland, Klara; Arstad Thorsen, Arlene; Størksen, Ingunn. The beliefs of teachers and daycare staff regarding children of divorce: A Q methodological study. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0742051X11001326. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.tate.2011.10.010. Teaching and Teacher Education, Vol 28, Issue 3, April 2012. Elsevier. Accessed Oct 21, 2023.

Pedro-Carroll, JoAnne L. FOSTERING RESILIENCE IN THE AFTERMATH OF DIVORCE: The Role of Evidence-Based Programs for Children. https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/j.1744-1617.2005.00007.x Family Court Review. Vol 43, Issue 1. Pub. Feb 18, 2005. Accessed Oct 21, 2023.

Venet, Alex Shevrin. The How and Why of Trauma-Informed Teaching   https://www.edutopia.org/article/how-and-why-trauma-informed-teaching/. Edutopia, Teachers Weigh In blog. Aug 2018. Accessed Oct 21, 2023.

Reviewer comments

You suitably described a strategy that would realistically help the student in the divorce scenario better cope with the situation he was dealing with when you described how you had an open-door policy whenever the student felt the need to talk. You provided flexibility concerning assignments and grace for the student to work through the traumatic event in his own way.